Larry phones a dentist to inquire about the cost for a tooth extraction.
'$85 for an extraction, sir' the dentist replied.'
'$85!!! Haven't you got anything cheaper?'
'That's the normal charge,' said the dentist.'
'What about if you didn't use any anesthetic?'
'That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock $15 off.'
'What about if you used one of your dentist trainees and still without an anesthetic?'
'I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful, but the price could drop to $40'.
'How about if you make it a training session, have your student do the extraction with the other students watching and learning?'
'It'll be good for the students', mulled the dentist. 'and it's going to be very traumatic, but I'll charge you $5.'
'Alright, now you're talking man! It's a deal,' said Larry. 'Can you confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?'
THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS, BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.
NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.
SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.
THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.
A blind guy goes into a bar, sits down and starts telling blonde jokes. He goes on and on until the bartender interrupts and says, a little heatedly, 'Buddy, I want you to know that I'm blonde and there must be 35 or 40 blondes sitting in this room listening to you.' The guy says, 'Oh, sorry. Want me to speak more s-l-o-w-l-y?'
Guy is thrown in the slammer after being convicted of a crime.
As he meets the other inmates, he notices that when in groups they call out numbers. Then everyone laughs. For example: '17' (laughter). '29' (hearty laughter). '4' (sustained laughter).
The guy asks his cellmate, 'what's going on here?'
The cellmate tells him, 'We've been in here for so many years, that we've actually memorized all the jokes that we know, so instead of wasting the time telling them, each joke has been assigned a number, and a guy'll just call out the number, and that's all it takes to recall the joke and get a laugh.
So after a few weeks the new inmate decides to get in the game. He memorizes all the jokes, and tries his hand at the telling:
'13' (silence)
'52' (deathly silence)
'11' (embarrassing silence)
New inmate is concerned. He asks his cellmate, 'Why isn't anyone laughing at my jokes?'
Cellmate answers, 'Some guys can tell em, some guys can't.'
My brother Don has one of those, and proud of it. Just think, in case of fire, you also get a snack.
Yes, Carol. Having a 'cantankerous' patient 'taste' the thermometer was a great way to be able to tell which one it was. Makes you all rethink having your temperature taken, doesn't it?
Since you're talking about gross nursing stuff, here's one. My mom was a nurse and was in an older patient's room (probably about 57, 58 years old I'm guessing) one day doing some stuff, the patient having just come back from surgery after having some gall stones removed. The doctor had put the stones in a little bottle so the patient could have them, so my mom gave the guy the bottle. She turned and was doing something else when she heard this 'crunch, crunch, crunch'. She looked over at the patient and he was chewing up the stones -- thought they were pills he was supposed to take. I think this is the moment recycling was first invented.
Guy goes to Africa for a photo safari. He heads into the jungle with his guide and a bunch of native porters carrying his stuff. As they enter the trees, he thinks he hears, as if on the wind, a faint poom . . . poom . . . poom. They continue to walk and as they get further in, the sound is more distinct, boom . . . boom . . . boom, and he observes that the porters are nervously looking around them. Deeper still, the noise is incessant and an ominous BOOM . . . BOOM . . . BOOM, and his helpers are near panic. They enter a dark clearing in the middle of the jungle, a loud BOOM! sounds and all the porters throw down their loads and scatter, leaving him standing there with his guide, who's shaking. 'What! What's happening? Tell me what's happening!', the photographer screams. The guide responds, 'Drum over! Accordian solo next!'
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the
car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but
don't wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,
'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?
A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialled the subscriber's house.
The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
The dog was receiving 90 volts of signalling current when the number was called.
After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a
65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was
discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.
'May I see the new baby?' I asked.
'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a
while first.'
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'
'No, not yet,' She said.
After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see
the baby now?'
'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'
'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, OK.??!!'
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